reality

so i was just sitting here and browsing people i usta go to school with and it;s just as i thought.. a lot of lames.. still the same.. i don't want to be like that. i usta be nice ans being nice doesnt always work.. i got walked over over and over.. then i said fuck it and fucked others over but what did that get me.. nowhere with nothing. pretty much. i don't want to be what it is. i want to be who i know is inside but the thiing is.. it kinda feels pointless because i don't want to used and i don't want to be the user. but like i was once told " your used or your the user" and it's true in the world we live in today. lately at night when the house is quiet and i can really think about my life and where i want it go.. i realize it's not going to be easy.. and technically it's not supposed to be, because anything worth having mean hard work. i believe that.

i know i can not change my past or the actions within it, but the immportant part is i'm still here. meaning i still can be all i want to.. i just need to get a grip on life and do it.every night when i go outside and smoke a cigarette i look at the sky, stars, and the air planes in the distants.. i always thought it would be cool to astroplane on a plane and ask "where we going" and if i liked the answer stay, if not hop around till i did. so that adds another thing to the future careers; a pilot. i always wanted to travel the world.. and get paid to do so sounds like a plan. but to get there is the mission. and it's not impossible. it's just going to take some hard work. i need to go to college. i need to graduate from college and put a piece of pride in me for my family. be the one no one thought really could because of the mistakes along the way.

i just need to get in the right state of mind. and find my ambition, determination and dedication. the need to succeed and feel a piece of success. i could have been done with college by now. but i was lazy and hated school. i tried an easy school for medical assisting and fail & felt failed because of the school and other things. but i guess it was the part of trial and error. i don't want to be a nurse anyways.. never did but mother kept pestering go do that or this.. i gave in.. and it got me nowhere

i just need to find my somewhere.. someday.. somehow!